119. What Self-Reliance Really Is: Misunderstanding Independence & How To Unlock Your Free-Will

On Episode 91 of the Soul Whisperer Podcast, certified RTT hypnotherapist and spiritual life coach Jen Cui shares the myths around independence, explores the true nature of self-reliance in the context of community, and how fear blocks your free will.

(00:00) intro & solo travel self-reflections

(02:33) rethinking independence

(03:43) independence as the ticket to being good

(04:37) chasing "goodness"

(09:40) what self-reliance is and is not

(10:40) believing you are more valuable if you don't have needs

(19:40) knowing your needs and wants

(23:46) intentional crowd-sourcing

(25:27) knowing your capacity

(31:10) paradox tolerance

(35:10) knowing your strengths & lean in

(41:13) trusting things are figureoutable

(42:31) fear holds you back when you don't admit them

(50:35) fears I'm working through

(53:24) your intention for your life supersedes that of anyone else's

(54:24) free will

(57:58) independence exists within community & my ER visit

(01:13:05) rely on your character, not what you have

I used to believe independence was the highest form of success. I used to feel that my emotional, physical, and financial needs felt like a burden to others yet too much for me to handle by myself. Now, I see things differently. Whether you're the eldest daughter and are driven to do it all by yourself while silently suffocating from the pressure, or you're a creative honing your craft while living with your parents- this episode is for you.

Episode Mentioned: Listen to Episode 91. why you need to prioritize joy & pleasure in the present ⁠here: https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast...

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• Episode 119 Transcript

  SW119

  [00:00:00] Your intention for your life supersedes that of anyone else's. Some people's free will is willier than others. Genuinely, there is no level of autonomy or independence that you can reach or achieve that's going to erase you from the context of society, of humanity, and of needing community. Hello. Hello friends and thank you for joining in on this episode of the Soul Whisperer podcast.

  If you're new here, welcome. I'm Jen Cui, I'm known as the Sole Whisperer, and I'm here to help guide you back home to yourself. The intention of this podcast, um, as well as all the work that I do is to help wake up. Yourself to the power and the beauty and depth of your soul. Because when you know who it is that you are and you trust the vision that you have for your life, everything is going to happen as it needs to.

  So obviously this is not my typical setup, but you're joining me in Ubud and my beautiful Airbnb and I'm so excited to be here. I am wrapping up my sixth week here. I have two more weeks and then I'll be back in LA back in the States. This is the first time that I have solo [00:01:00] traveled for this long and I gotta say it has been a wild ride.

  A couple years ago I solo traveled to Lisbon and it really opened my eyes to the beauty of solo traveling as well as doing so internationally. I think before that it was really like I was just too afraid to do it. Even though I had studied abroad for six months in Australia, that time felt still protected because you still have the context of school.

  You still have, you know, people and like back like insurance and. You know, all this other stuff that is going to be a protective factor for you being there, but to just solo travel as a tourist or for me as a business owner as well. It has been an interesting experience, let me tell you, and one of the biggest things that has come out of this is how wrong I have been about independence and self-reliance, and that is what I want to explore with you all today is.

  This whole topic of what it really means [00:02:00] to be a self-reliant in the context of this world. What does independence really look like? Is that something that we can actually achieve? And I also wanted to share some insights from my own personal journey over the last couple of years from being somebody who really believed that independence was the thing that I was missing, was the thing that is like the golden ticket to an incredible life and to being free and all these different things to where I am now and where I stand with this whole idea of independence.

  I feel like this topic is really important just on an individual level, but also on a bigger worldview level, to look at things systemically and see how we are all interconnected, but that we are also our own individual threads in this tapestry of life. And. I think understanding the context of both where we kind of are in society right now, where things are moving, where we've come from, and also understanding your own individual [00:03:00] context is going to help really put those pieces together so that.

  You can feel the sense of independence and self-reliance while also having what a lot of people are missing, which is the community aspect of things and understanding what does healthy interdependence look like, that you don't have to be so afraid of being codependent or, um, being a burden or like, I don't know, all these different things.

  So let me take you through my journey over the last couple years and give you some background into my life, the way that I grew up, how I see things now, um, and some of the shifts that I've been experiencing, even just here as, um, the last six weeks have been for me. So for many years now, I have been very aware of a logical fallacy that I have been operating from, which is that I need to do things alone.

  I need to figure it all out on my own in order to prove my own resourcefulness and independence. But I've also have noticed how [00:04:00] much that is just a logical fallacy, and how much of that is rooted in the way that I grew up and kind of these beliefs that came out of trauma of not feeling good enough, of feeling like I needed to prove my worth of just being a human of my existence and feeling like I was a burden my entire life.

  And this would show up in so many ways of like not wanting to take up space, not wanting to cause rifts. I was always the good kid. I was always the good daughter, the good student. I was just good, right? I got good grades. I always did my best. I was a high achiever, overachiever. I was a perfectionist. And when you see these patterns in yourself or with other people, it's really hard to see.

  But there is this desire, this baseline motivation to be good, to be seen as good and chasing goodness that is running this whole story. And so. The issue with it is that you never end up feeling good enough because [00:05:00] you're not in the feeling, you're in the mind of chasing goodness, right? So this is where if you've been into therapy, you become a really great client.

  You become the best client because you become so aware. You do all the homework and whatever, but you're not actually changing. This is why in school or in work, you are a, you know, top performer and you are doing all the homework, you're getting good grades, you're going to the, you're doing the extra correct, uh, the extra credit, and you're doing, you know, going above and beyond, but you still don't feel successful to yourself, even though everyone else around you sees it is because there's this chasing of goodness, chasing of validation, chasing of worthiness that is happening, and you cannot integrate.

  The successes and everything that you have created for yourself until you slow down and really see it for yourself. To really look at the wordiness wounds that were created [00:06:00] and why you're doing everything that you're doing. And I think the reason why that's so scary is because if you were to slow down and see, well, why are you putting in all this effort into your work or into school or into a relationship, why are you the one who's trying so hard to, um, you know, make people happy or to bring positivity into someone's life or whatever, like not cause issues and be a good human doing all of this work.

  And I mean, one of the fears is that if you were to slow down and actually look at it, it's because you're doing it from a place of fear of not being good enough and this fear of being seen as not good or bad, or having some type of negative judgment, and it's not actually coming from a place of. True belief that you are good.

  And that is really scary because if you have this fear and this belief that you are not good, that you are not a good person, that [00:07:00] you know you don't know enough, that you're not helpful enough, that you are not valuable to society, to your community, to yourself, just inherently, and you have lived for so long, creating evidence in the physical world for how you are valuable, and it's tied to other people's reactions, it's tied to you getting the accolades, it is tied to all of these things outside of you, then it shakes you to your core of who it is that you are.

  It's like if you could not do more for somebody else, if you could not fight harder for a cause, if you could not affect change in someone else's life, would you still believe that you are a good person? Would you still believe that you are worthy and lovable and that people would like you and you have something to offer the world?

  If there was no, like, quote image of what goodness looks like, whether that's, you know, donating money or volunteering your time or helping out somebody, you know, it's, it's these [00:08:00] things that we see that can create over empathizing or giving resources when we don't actually have it for ourselves. Or, um, disrespecting our own boundaries and not wanting to hold our own boundaries because we don't wanna make someone else uncomfortable and we think that's good because, okay, if you are saving somebody from feeling these feelings of discomfort or, uh, showing them that they hurt you in some way or keeping them accountable, or, you know, expressing your anger and then somebody.

  You know, reacting a certain way to that, then you did something wrong, right then you were not good, then you were not evolved enough as a human, or you were not healed enough that you have been, um, you know, able to essentially not ever feel anger or bypass these needs and these desires. Like if you have needs and all these things, if you have these negative emotions, if you are reactive in some way, then you are the problem and you should do better.

  And you should chase this next level of goodness, of holiness, of [00:09:00] sanctity, of, you know, whatever, purity, even that. You can cleanse that from yourself and just not be bothered, right? You just, you don't have to be triggered ever. You don't have to be angry, ever. And that's a really painful experience because it's all happening inside and in your head and in your heart, and it's keeping you from actually being able to fully live with your heart, open and receive all of the joy, all of the love, all of the abundance, all of the peace that life is trying to give to you.

  So how does this sense of goodness and this chase for goodness, this desire for goodness, and. Believing you are a good person, have anything to do with self-reliance and independence? Well, actually, it turns out it has everything to do with it. When you look at the heart of what self-reliance is, it is the ability to rely on yourself, whether that's the ability to rely on yourself, to get your needs met, to attain resources that you want or to have the things that you want.

  It is your ability to rely on yourself. Your skill sets, your intelligence, your ability to [00:10:00] figure things out, your natural gifts and talents, your kindness, your humility, um, you know, your ability to rise from making mistakes. Your ability to see yourself as, um, someone that is worthy and valuable, um, of pouring into, of developing and of expressing and creating.

  Right? That is what true self-reliance really is. Self-reliance is not never asking for help, right? You having needs, having desires. Is inherent to you being a human, to having an ego and also having a soul that has a mission. And I see the subconscious belief as well as the subconscious desires that were running the show for me, but also in my clients, especially clients that are women, that they believe that they are more valuable if you don't need anything from anyone.

  Right. And we're also fed this, especially as women [00:11:00] now, um, with, you know, boss babe eras and like, you know, we don't need anything. And yes, like we have more economic power, we have more education and like we basically became the men that we wanted or that we're taught to want. And that's like a whole other conversation, but it's like, okay, and you get to this point and still guess what?

  You still have desires for partnership, for companion to be seen, to be praised, to be appreciated, to be held. And you still have needs. You're still going to have needs. And I feel like I really believed, like I was really driven by this desire to not have needs, whether that was emotional needs of needing the emotional needs of, um, safety, of validation, of, um, love and comfort of, you know, in a romantic relationships too.

  Like I just pushed that away for so long. Like I was a hopeless romantic since I was a kid. I call myself a hopeful romantic now, but I also felt like, [00:12:00] oh, I shouldn't want that. I made myself wrong for that desire, that need, because it's like, well, you know, there, there are distractions, right? Relationships are distractions.

  And also with all of the. Studies that have come out about women, um, and their outcomes in life if they get married or have kids and how they're like less happy, less, uh, financially successful. Their career goes down, their health goes down, their happiness goes down, their wellbeing goes down. All the things.

  And how menace the opposite. It's really easy to get caught up in like, well, yeah, that's the truth. Look at the data. But then there's something to be said about like, well, what if that's just the wrong person for you? Right? What if it's just because of this historical context of patriarchy that we used to live in and all these things?

  And it's not that, oh, you have to be this hyper independent person and not even desire, uh, a relationship and not have needs for a partner in order to be seen as an independent and self-reliant [00:13:00] person. And I saw this also in friendships and in community. I am so blessed to have really in incredible friends who are there for me, who, um, genuinely like I feel so loved by, who I feel really supported by who.

  I feel like I tell them everything and I can tell 'em anything. And anytime I just need space to be a hall for me, they show up. And there has been some friendships in my life where now we've been friends for nine, 10 years. And I remember our periodically going through these moments and especially at the beginning of a new friendship that I felt like, oh, I really want like, like this person, I really wanna be their friend and I really want them to be my friend.

  I felt like I was a burden if I were to share my feelings or what I was going through and the challenges that I was experiencing. I felt like if I was telling them about the same issue, whether it's like, oh, this thing in my business or my relationship with my mom, or, [00:14:00] you know, dating and kind of my thoughts around it and, um, sharing anxieties or stresses or worries, anything that was like negative.

  I felt like that was a bad thing to do and that I shouldn't need to express that with somebody else. That I should be able to just self-regulate myself and not have to discharge that energy with somebody else because that was going to bring them down, or that was going to negatively affect them, or that would make them not wanna be my friend because I would be the person with all the problems.

  Right. And we've really learned that that is just not the case at all. I think, in fact, actually knowing what my needs are, knowing what my desires are there, and being able to hold space for that, and unless someone else holds space for that, is so much more powerful because then you're approaching it from this perspective of like, I just need to vent, right?

  Or the things happening, I just need to process it out loud. I just need like, can you just sit with me in this? And it's not, I need you to help me. I need you to fix me. I need you to fix this problem. I need you to do something. And. That wasn't even the [00:15:00] case beforehand. But I think the way that you respond to your own needs really shows up in the way that it, it comes across in with others.

  Because I really think that emotionally laborious task is not to just hold space for somebody and listen to what they're going through and being an empathetic space. Yes. That you need the capacity for that. But the part where it starts to feel hard or feel weird is when now, like imagine a friend just vented to you about their yay and all this stuff, and then they go into, oh, I'm so sorry.

  Like I'm, I feel like I'm such a bad person for needing to talk to you about this. Or, I don't wanna make you, you know, feel sad or like, oh, you know, like, oh, I'm such a bad friend because now like I dump this all on you and now you're like, you know, whatever. And it's like, is there anything I can do for you actually?

  Like, is there something you wanna talk about? Like, let's talk about you now. Right. Maybe they're fine. Like I have a friend who's just like so resourced and like has the capacity more so than I do, and like she just doesn't [00:16:00] need to talk about things as much and that's great for her. Right? That's just like her, her experience of it.

  I think about it kind of in the same way where if somebody hurt you and you expressed that hurt to them and you express how that impacted you, and then now they feel bad. They feel ashamed for having, um, done that and now they're expressing that shame, that self shame and that, you know, guilt or whatever to you and they're emotional reaction to it.

  And now you are spending your energy having to, you know, manage their emotions. When the issue itself wasn't even emotional to begin with, it really could have just been like, oh, you know, like. When I didn't hear from you, um, after the sex messages, it really made me feel like anxious or whatever. And if they go into a whole spiral of like defending themselves or now feeling like ashamed for doing that and whatever, and like how they're just such a terrible person now you're just like, no, no, no.

  That like was not the point at all. I just wanted to tell you how I felt. Then that's kind of the same thing here, where [00:17:00] like whether you have an emotional need and you need someone to hold space for you, or you're asking someone to help you out and do you a favor and now you feel like you really owe them and you're coming from this place of like, oh my God, I feel so bad that you had to put in your energy into me.

  Then it's like they have to manage your feeling of feeling like a burden instead of just you appreciating the fact that they wanted to put in the effort and you seeing yourself as worthy of that effort being put into you. I think another example of this that comes up is, I remember in middle school or high school and all this stuff where people would rag on their bodies and they just had like such bad body ies.

  I mean, I did this all the time too, and when I look back at 'em just like, oh my gosh, such, such cringe. But it's like when you're out with a group of friends and objectively you are [00:18:00] like in a smaller body or have a smaller frame than maybe somebody else in the group. And if you are so insecure about yourself and your body and you're like, oh, I look like a whale, and it's like, you know, or I feel so fat, or like, oh my God, I'm so like big and like my thighs are so ugly and like blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.

  Right? You're ragging on yourself and this is coming from a place of insecurity. This is coming from a place of not feeling good enough. This is coming from, you know, just your own self hatred. It's like, well, guess what? The other people in the group who are objectively bigger than you, it's like, well, if you are a will, then what am I.

  Right. It's like, okay, if that's what you think about yourself, but I look this way, right? It's like, well, what do you think about me? And it's like, no, no, no. It's not about you. It's about like me, right? It's about the way that I feel about myself. It's kind of like similar in that where your own negative feelings about yourself is the [00:19:00] thing that makes other people uncomfortable.

  Like if you need validation for how you look, that's not the issue, right? It's your own experience of the issue itself and then your response to that issue. That can create an issue, if that makes sense. I digress from this. The essence of what I'm saying here is that self-reliance is not, not having needs or desires that involve other people.

  And lastly, the other thing that self-reliance is not is having to have everything figured it out. A hundred percent confidence, a hundred percent certainty, having the path laid out for you. That is not what self-reliance and independence is about. What self-reliance is actually about though is being able to recognize what it is that you are needing or wanting.

  You. Being able to have the awareness within yourself of what you need is first and foremost going to be the thing that's going to allow you to. Get those needs met and have those desires [00:20:00] fulfilled. The reason why this is so important is, is because no one else can tell you what you need. No one else can tell you what you want or whether or not what you want is scored or bad, valid or invalid.

  You need to make those decisions for yourself and your community, the people who are going to support you, and the people who are going to meet you in this world, who are going to work with you, who are going to hire you, who are going to, um, want to help you, support yourself and your desires of you know, what you want out of life, what you want outta your life.

  Really needs you to figure that shit out. For example, currently in my life I have been exploring the idea of grad school. And the thing with grad school is that I have a lot of reasons for, and I have a lot of reasons against going, and in the application process for a graduate program, it requires you to have a statement of intention, right?

  A statement of purpose essentially, of why is it that you want to do this, and why do you feel like you are ready for it, why you're a good fit for it, and [00:21:00] really understanding like, are you ready for this level of work? And like, what is your commitment to this? What is your what? Why would you devote. So much time and money into this pathway.

  Like just why. And the reason for this was like, well, I feel like I'm behind in life, or I feel like I should be doing this because that's what, you know, um, I was told that I should do, or you know, I've always just been really good at school, so maybe this is the path for me. Like, I just wanna figure it out.

  I wanna try it out. That's not going to be as compelling as. This is the feel of study that I'm really passionate about and this is something that I'm devoted to, like my natural personality is much more of an academic and as a researcher, and I really care about pursuing the truth, and I actually have something that I'm really interested in contributing to society.

  And I think part of my path is to do this work because that's going to help me do the thing that I'm passionate about, do the thing that I believe is going to affect the greatest change in the world. The thing that I believe is [00:22:00] going to also fulfill me and that I genuinely enjoy that is so much more compelling than I feel like I should be doing this because I was told to do it or because I don't know what else to do.

  And if you don't know what you want or what you desire, then that's a really great thing to know too, because that's where you can get support in. That's what you ask for, right? A lot of life and decision making is just being able to get to that point where you're deciding what is the ask that you're going to make, right?

  Are you going to ask somebody to go on a date with you or not? Are you going to ask somebody for a job interview or not? Are you going to ask somebody to help you clean your house or not? Are you going to ask for what you really want or not? And I think the or not of that is really getting stuck of the wishy-washy.

  I don't even know what to ask. I don't know what if I should ask, or I don't know if I can get the thing that I really want to ask for. So maybe I'll ask for something that seems more achievable in my mind, but then that just hinders you from what's actually achievable for you, right? From asking and being genuine [00:23:00] and having the passion behind it of what you actually want.

  The thing that's really difficult to navigate is when you don't know what you don't know. That's like taking a class and just not understanding anything that the professor is saying, but then not knowing the subject well enough either to even know what you don't understand and what's not clicking. So you can't even ask a question.

  So getting to a place where you actually can know what you don't know, that allows you to get support. That's why I do what I do with Soul Whispering, because that helps somebody really discern their ego from their soul, um, from their desires that are coming from fear versus their desires from their true self and from their highest self, so they can actually move forward.

  That's why, um, other services exist as well, and why therapy can be really great to help you create the self-awareness of like, what are the things that you don't know that you don't even know? And then move from there. When you can rely on your ability to reflect on yourself, to be honest with yourself, to discover what your true needs and desires are.

  Now you can actually go into intentionally crowdsourcing information. I would not recommend just [00:24:00] crowdsourcing information, right? This is like the whole like, well, what should I say to this text message, right? Or like, how should I respond to this thing? It's like, well. How you're going to respond requires you to know how you feel first, right?

  Like, if you are dating somebody and you're messaging somebody and you're unsure of how to, you know, respond. It's like, well, one authenticity, right? Do you know who it is that you are? Do you know what level of, you know, connection and comfortability you have right now where, like, what feels appropriate to share?

  And then also, do you want to keep seeing them? Like, you know, it's, it's not like, well, how do I make them feel this way about me? How do I make them see me in this way that I see myself or whatever? It's like it should be coming from a place of authenticity first and foremost. But also it's like, it depends on what do you want?

  It depends on what do you need? Same thing goes for how to do something and building a business. I remember in one of my masterminds, uh, crowdsourcing was not allowed. And it was a really cool experience because what it essentially requires [00:25:00] you to do is know what are you specifically unsure about or asking for, right?

  If you're asking for resources and you ask for that resource, you're not asking, well, what do you think about this caption? Or what do you think I should price this thing at? It's, Hey, this is what I'm thinking. This is why I am thinking what I'm thinking. This is why I'm leaning towards this decision. Now I'm just asking, you know, from people who are experienced or like from the outside perspective.

  What do you think? Right? It's so much more different. Self-reliance is also knowing your capacity. So there's a few parts to this, right? Knowing your capacity is knowing your capacity emotionally, financially, physically, energetically, like all these different things. And knowing your capacity also knows also means knowing whether or not you are in a space where you're ready to stretch your capacity, or if you are actually in a shrinking of your capacity, right?

  I feel like it's always ebbing and flowing like this. And if you're, um, listening to the episode, not watching to it, I'm kind of just moving my hands, like in and out, in and out, in and out, [00:26:00] right? Um, and this wave of like, there's expansion and then there's constriction, there's expansion, and then there's constriction.

  That's kind of just life, right? I think about it from the lens of in the wintertime. A tree sheds all of its leaves, but it's not dying, right? It's actually growing its roots deeper. That's what's actually happening underneath the surface. You can't see it, but in the wintertime it's growing more roots.

  And then in the spring and the summer, right now, it's flourishing up above ground and you can see it, and you can see it grow. And then eventually the cycle, um, finishes again and, and it happens again. So I feel like the same thing is really true in our own lives, where sometimes you need to be inward so that you can go deep into your knowledge, into your awareness, into your healing.

  And then from there, now you're expanding. Now it's about taking risks. Now it's about showing your brain evidence for this new identity that you have worked so hard to create, um, to actually go and enjoy life and to invite in more play when you just did all this [00:27:00] work to heal from your trauma so that your nervous system can be regulated enough to invite in more love, to invite in more, you know, fun and whatever.

  And. Um, you know, you going inward to focus on your business or your career, your craft, your creativity, and now it's time to share it, right? It's not time to question whether it's good enough or, um, refine any further. It's like, no, it's done now. It's getting it out, right? So. Knowing your capacity here is really going to help you build a sense of self-reliance, because you'll know what you need.

  You'll know how to meet your own need, and you'll know how to meet yourself where you're at. This is why at the beginning I was talking about how all this is rooted into worthiness, into you being able to see yourself as good enough. Because if you feel like you have to always produce, you always have to be expanding in order to be seen as good, in order to be valuable, in order, um, for you to feel productive, then you're never going to be able [00:28:00] to have.

  The other side of what is so important of the introspection of the constriction and the, the sacredness of that space that you get when you're not so outwardly right? And that's what a lot of value has been placed on, is what can we see, right? What can you do for me? What, um, can you do for yourself? And it's like, oh, look, I can just, I can buy my own house, right?

  I can pay my own bills. I can um, you know, do my own shit. I can love myself. I can buy myself flowers. It's like, yeah, look, I can do all these things and I'm so independent. And it's like, okay, cool. That's the outwardly, sure you can do all these things, but at some point, right, life is going to constrict.

  And what are you going to do then? Can you meet yourself there? Can you, is your pride and your self-confidence derived from your bank account, [00:29:00] derived from your wedding ring, derived from, you know, something outside of you that shows like this proof of, look at me, I'm good enough. Look at me, I'm independent.

  Look at me. I can rely on myself. Right? Or is it actually rooted in your own enoughness as a human? Where if those things were to go away, you would still feel valuable as a human to yourself. You would still be tapped into your inherent value. You would still have this sense of like, well onto the next thing, right?

  Like, I can, I can move from here still, or you can be so crushed by that because all of your pride, all of your confidence, all of your capacity or like belief of your own independence came from. You know, having something or someone else, if you can meet yourself in those moments where life humbles you and it requires you to ask for help, to ask for support, um, to [00:30:00] pull in favors or to, you know, do things that you haven't done before that hurt your pride maybe, or hurt your ego.

  Like those are gonna be really good to show you your own capacity. And it increases your capacity to handle the hard stuff, not just handle the good stuff. And vice versa too, when life gives you the good stuff, like, can you handle, um. Tolerating that goodness. And to expand your capacity for, for blessings and for success and for abundance and for love.

  I have previous episodes from this also, like that goes quite far back, a few years back, probably about, um, you know, tolerating joy and how to increase your tolerance of joy because it is so important for a lot of people who have gone through trauma and complex, um, trauma and, you know, just hardships in their, in your life where now maybe it feels not safe to be in love and [00:31:00] joy and creativity and flow.

  It's like, it can almost feel unsettling. So. I'll link that in the show notes or on the screen if you're watching this on YouTube as well. And that kind of actually goes really beautifully into this next point that I have of self-reliance, which is paradox tolerance and allowing the soul and the ego to coexist.

  So we talked about how part of what self-reliance is not, is not having needs or desires that involve other people. Right? True independence and self-reliance requires you to be able to have the capacity or the um, intellectual ability to tolerate the two opposing truths can exist at the same time, and both can be true.

  And. It doesn't negate each other. Right. And, and like how do you hold that tension? Scott at Fitzgerald has a really great quote on this where he talks about how the, the test of a first rate intelligence is one's ability to hold two competing truths at the same time. [00:32:00] And he uses the example of how one, for example, should be able to see that the world is, um, hopeless, and that also simultaneously hold hope and be able to live from that place at the same time.

  And I think the same exists here, where you have to understand that you do not exist in a microcosm, you just can't. We are all interconnected, whether it's from a biological level and seeing that we have like mirror neurons where it creates empathy for each other and that we live in a society that is going to be touched by other people.

  That the house that you live in was built by somebody. That if you are in a place where you are, um, you know. A business owner and, um, you have a lot of wealth. Like you have people who are helping you clean your house, cooking you food. You have employees who are working for you, who are helping you generate, um, the lifestyle that you have or you're on the other side of things where you are, uh, needing to rely on the [00:33:00] government for assistance, for food stamps, for healthcare, and all of these things, right?

  And it feels like you don't really have anything to give, but you just need a lot to receive. It's like you are giving and receiving at the same time. And if you wanna look at this from a consciousness level, it's the same thing. We have this mycelium network of consciousness, of awareness where we are all interconnected and at the same time, you are also your own individual thread.

  You are your own individual person. You still have personal power, and it exists within the context of the greater powers of society, of the universe. So can you let yourself have this desire for independence while also having this desire for community? Can you let yourself have this need to have your solitude and enjoy your solitude to rest and create and recharged in your solitude, and also have this desire to be seen, to be loved, to be held, and to be in partnership?

  That is something that you need to rely on yourself for your ability to hold that tolerance [00:34:00] without combusting. And whether that is yes, you processing it yourself and you just holding that tolerance with more skill. And with more grace or you going and finding spaces where you're able to do this, and I find that this is where community really helps going into like women's circles or community circles or just talking with a friend candidly about what you're going through.

  Being able to hear people's stories online, whether that's through TikTok or through Instagram or, um, you know, just hearing about people's stories or listening to podcasts, reading audiobooks, and just hearing how other people have really gone through this themselves and that this is a challenge that has been existing since the beginning of time.

  This paradox that we live in, that is just how life is, that we are these multidimensional beings living in a dualistic world. And that we are constricted, but we're also unlimitedly like powerful. Um, it's like we are born from [00:35:00] stardust, but then we're also just like these really, really fragile beings that can die when things just like go slightly wrong in our bodies.

  Another part of self-reliance is knowing your strengths and then knowing how to actually use those strengths. I always use this example when the magician card gets pulled out in a tar rating, and the magician is all about being a creator of your reality, right? It's about seeing that you have all of these resources around you, but um, how are you going to actually use those resources to create the reality that you want?

  And one of the examples that I use is like, if you wanted to ride on a private jet, do you need to go and make all the money yourself to go buy a private jet? That's like, what, $35 million? No. What you can do is look at what your strengths are. If you actually have this ability to tap into all those resources, then yeah, maybe that is the path of least resistance for you.

  Um, like maybe you're just someone who naturally is really good at finance, at money, at numbers, and at [00:36:00] like, you have a passion for investment banking. I don't know anybody really who is like this. I do know one person who, uh, you know, is like a hedge fund person and they actually do really enjoy their work and they're good at it.

  Uh, so it's like great for you because you have all this wealth that you can accumulate and yeah, maybe for you, you are that person who is able to just buy a private jet if you want to, and right on wine. And then for other people it's like, well, actually there are different ways, right? If, um, it's so funny, I just met somebody who is also a flight attendant, and they do not enjoy their work as much as they thought they were going to.

  They thought that they were gonna really like it, but it's very stressful for them to have this really high level, high expectation, um, for their standard of care, uh, on their flights. And so, uh, you know, this is one of those examples of like, well, maybe if you are a flight attendant and you have that training, you can be, [00:37:00] um, an attendant on a private jet instead, right?

  And that's your ticket in. Maybe if you're really good at networking, then that is your ticket to a private jet. You know, like there's so many different ways to get to the goal that you want to get to, but it requires you to know what your strengths are. And then how to actually apply them and use them so that you can get what you want.

  I think one of the ways that I see this in society too is just like in dating and entertainment and just people knowing what their strengths are. Like there's so many, um, great personalities in entertainment now where you just see like people are really starting to be more and more themselves. Like authenticity is the currency of this new consciousness that we're stepping into.

  And so we're seeing more and more of this being emphasized. We're on social media. People are not really being known from just like what they do or what they know, but really who they are. And this is where you create fandoms for like people like, I don't know, Renee rap for example, and like how [00:38:00] she just like, I don't know, hates men or like Jenna Ortega and like the way that she is or, um, I don't know.

  You see, you see kind of this effect of people just allowing themselves to be brash if they're brash, right? Or people who are deeply spiritual sharing their spirituality. People who are really like non-judgmental and kind of kind, compassionate, like by nature, like it's really hard for them to like dislike anybody or see the bad in something.

  It's like they lean into that, right? And this is the same thing that goes in like comedy and comedians like them, whether they're somebody who's really like, has a deadpan kind of demeanor and face, or somebody who's very emotive, like knowing your strength there is wanting to help you, right? And you knowing your strengths allows you to lean deeper into it so that you can kind of, uh.

  I wanna say, like, do the legwork, do the, like, the maximum legwork of the thing that you want. But [00:39:00] really it's like, yeah, like that's what it is. It's when you lean into your strengths, you are doing the heavy lifting, and then everybody else can come in and support you. People can discover you, people can help you, um, and see, oh, okay, well, you know, you're really great at this thing, but then there's all this other thing that maybe you need in order to get to where you wanna be.

  So let me help you out with that, because I really love your mission. I really love the way that you are, I really love, you know, your, your creativity, the art that you create, the, the work that you do. And like I am somebody who does. This work that you're maybe missing for people like you? One of the most common pieces of advice that I give to people that comes up in readings or in coaching, and also for myself that was game changing for me to really understand for things to click, was that you need to lean into your innate strengths, your innate challenge, your innate curiosities, because when you focus on the things that you are good at, you are able to achieve a level of [00:40:00] creativity, of innovation, of expertise that no one else is going to be able to touch.

  You'll be amongst the best, and if you were to focus all that energy into trying to pour into what you are weak at, what you are not good at, what does not come naturally to you. Sure. There's something to be said about like loving a good challenge and um, being able to bolster yourself in areas where you might find yourself being weaker at.

  And at the same time, like for a lot of things. There are peop. That's like the whole point of meeting other people and meeting other people and collaborating with other people is to help you with the things that you are not as good at that you are not as talented at that. Even if you were to put 110% effort in, you would still be a average or below average of what somebody else could be doing because that's their zone of genius.

  It creates room for collaboration. It creates room for people to to be interdependent when you know what your strengths are and you allow yourself to fully own those things and go into them, hence the case for how you can be independent and [00:41:00] interdependent, and how those two cannot be erased from each other.

  Genuinely. There is no level of autonomy or independence that you can reach or achieve that's going to erase you from the context of society of humanity and of needing community. And the last thing I wanna highlight within what self-reliance is, is trusting your ability to grow, trusting your ability to adapt, trusting your ability to figure things out.

  When you allow yourself the room to be human, to make mistakes, you actually are able to grow. You're actually able to learn. You're actually able to improve your skillsets, and it builds this feeling of things are figureoutable, that I can figure things out, that nothing is impossible, everything is achievable.

  And when you have that mindset, that is the thing that's going to foster your ability to rely on yourself. Again, this is just showing that self-reliance is not you needing to do it all yourself. It's you being able to have the ability to. Believe in your ability to figure [00:42:00] things out. It's not that you need to have the path a hundred percent certain that you need to know every step of the way.

  You need to know exactly how to do everything before you do it in order to do it. No. It's your ability to rely on your willingness to figure things out, to look stupid, to make mistakes, to ask for help, to do the wrong thing, to trust the wrong person or to whatever, right? It's really through that process of figuring things out that you're going to be able to build the confidence in yourself and also fine tune your discernment when you go to make any decision.

  When you look at the thing that is holding you back, it is almost always going to be fear. Whether it's fear of what's going to happen if you let go of this thing in order to move towards what you really want. Whether it's fear of whether or not you can do something, fear of what someone else is going to think.

  Fear of disrupting a system, fear of staying in a system. And the reason why fear is so powerful is because fear is false evidence appearing real. And our brain are really good at finding evidence for specific patterns to try to [00:43:00] keep us safe, to try to predict outcomes so that we can feel, you know, safe.

  And so if you are finding all this evidence around you for how you are not able to be self-reliant, how you are not self-reliant, how you are different than others, how you are not good enough, how you need to chase more validation or more credentials or something in order to feel like what you have to say is valuable for what you have to create, for what you have to offer, to be good enough to be acceptable, then that's going to keep you stuck in your cycle.

  That takes away from the mentality that things are figureoutable and takes away from your actual self-reliance. Part of the nuance here too is that people will rely on fear to get things done. And it goes back to what I was saying at the beginning where if you were to look at the real reason why you do things, and if that reason is that you are chasing goodness or that you are running away from fear, we're not gonna like that, right?

  Our souls are not gonna like that. Our egos are not gonna like that because we wanna believe that we're doing something that we actually, um, [00:44:00] believe is good or that we are expressing ourselves authentically. And when we see that we're not actually, not, that we're not actually being honest with ourselves, that we're not being brave, that we're not being courageous, it hurts.

  I have never been more aware of how many fears into the extent and the depth of which these fears come from, but also affect me than I have in the last couple of years. It is actually insane. One of the biggest reasons why I ended my last relationship was because I felt like I needed to go on this journey of independence without somebody.

  And I had a real big fear of whether that was self-sabotage, um, or if this was kind of what I'm saying here, where I'm just like, you know, had this logical fallacy of what does independence look like, what does self-reliance look like? And I think while there are aspects of that which does show up where maybe I had some fallacies of like what self-reliance should be, there's also just this intu, there's this intuitive knowing that I needed to go on this path [00:45:00] of figuring out and seeing my own resourcefulness and seeing and building that trust in myself to figure things out that was going to.

  Like, be part of my bigger journey and I needed to go down that path. And part of that path for the last couple years has been seeing how freaking paralyzed I was and how deeply afraid I was of things that I didn't realize, that I was afraid of. And I'm going to relate this to when I was healing from body image issues, uh, which feels like a lifetime ago.

  And it is so crazy for that too. 'cause I, I literally don't think about it anymore. But when I think about it. Um, back in the, in the past, I remember I didn't think I had confidence issues. I didn't think I had body image issues, but what I did know is that every time I looked in the mirror, I cringed. Um, or I would always be criticizing myself, or I would always be searching for a new diet or a new exercise plan or trying to optimize for, you know, something in my health or whatever.

  I [00:46:00] was always looking at, you know, what was going to make me look a certain way or, um, you know, finding confidence in, in something external. Like it was really odd, but I didn't necessarily think of myself as somebody with confidence issues. I was ragging on myself all the time. I knew that maybe my confidence in myself wasn't, wasn't from a place of self love.

  But I could rationalize confidence. You know, I was like, I was still smart, I was still skinny, I was still, whatever the fuck, like I could, I was, I still had six pack abs, right? So it's like I should be confident and therefore I had this mental confidence. But if you actually looked at it, no, I like hated myself and I would say that, but I still would not have told you that.

  I struggle with confidence. It's really odd. It's really, really odd. And I think where this comes in is that. [00:47:00] Fear is really there to protect our ego. And fear is a facet of ego. So if we admit that we're afraid of something, our egos don't like that. And I see this a lot in personal development and in myself too.

  But I also have a, um, had a client who was like this with me, but I didn't like the fact that, um, I, I couldn't figure things out on my own. And, and one of the ways that my ego would show up is that when I worked with a, you know, mental health professional, whether it was a therapist or a coach, or a hypnotherapist, a healer, whatever, I felt like irritated and I felt almost like I needed to defend what I knew.

  Or when they told me something about myself or reflected something back to me, it would be like, I was like, oh, I already know that, or I've already worked on that. Right? But obviously I'm not getting the results that I want from it. And it would also show up where [00:48:00] when I got results from a certain modality, I would almost like undervalue, underplay the value of that service and the value of that provider and really be like, well, yeah, like it comes back to, well, they maybe helped support me in, in a way, but like, I still did all this work beforehand, or I still did all this like healing beforehand or, you know, the body heals itself and so really is, it's me.

  And I think the harm in it was that I had a lot of resistance to, to receiving coaching, to receiving help, to receiving advice. Because if I were to actually. Take their advice and implement it, then it would show that I didn't know enough, that I wasn't good enough to figure it out myself, or that like I shouldn't trust myself, my intuition, my instincts, my desires, or like what I think should go, um, or my [00:49:00] expertise because what I was doing was not working.

  And if I really were to do something that somebody else says to do and it works for them and then it works for me, then like, damn, like I don't know enough. And that's such a messed up mentality because you're over here literally like paying for somebody's guidance and expertise to help support you.

  And it's so annoying sometimes to be like, oh, just listen to yourself. Just trust your intuition. Right? You know what's best. It's like, yes, it's true. And also. You are there to get help, right? You're there because you don't know everything and it's not coming. And if you can be in a place where you're not coming from, oh, I need help.

  I need to be fixed. I don't know enough and you need to do everything for me. It's like there's, there's like two sides of the coin, right? Or like two sides of the spectrum. If you can avoid being on too far on one end or the other and really land in this middle of, you can trust yourself and also humble yourself enough to know that you don't know anything.

  And to actually be like appreciative and grateful and willing [00:50:00] to be like the person who doesn't know everything and be willing to actually be coachable and teachable and all like, you're gonna get so much more outta that experience. You're gonna get so much more outta life. And it really goes to show like how badly we want to be the authority of our own lives, how badly we want to be sovereign, because that is the, the natural state of ourselves and our souls.

  Like we are here to be sovereign beings, to express our creativity, our truth, and all the stuff. And also how much our ego gets in the way, where we prevent ourselves from our own growth, from our own expansion. Over the last couple years, I noticed how much of a fear of success that I have, and that was really odd to see because I really didn't think that I had that either.

  Um, I was on so many coaching calls with people and of like group programs where people would be talking about their fear of visibility, fear of success, fear of having more and whatever. And I was like, what are you talking about? That would be great. Like my fear is like not being able to get to [00:51:00] that place.

  My fear is not being able to be seen. My fear is not being able to have more. And, um, I, I really didn't see how that translated to also the fear of. Having more, like, it just didn't resonate with me. And I think like healing just comes in layers and you, you know, need to peel things one by one. But that was another one of those things that I was just so like, surprised that I even had a fear about.

  And things like, um, romantic relationships and choosing a partner and getting into a committed relationship again, like that was another thing that I didn't realize I had. Like I never saw myself as somebody who had a fear of commitment. And I don't wanna say like, I have it like it's part of me, but you know, like I was experiencing a fear of commitment.

  And that fear of commitment really came from a fear of making decisions for myself based off of my own truth, based off like what I want and not from a place of like what is expected of me or anything else. Um, [00:52:00] and that just translated into so many things in my life. And I think that came to such a big root fear of mine, which was like the fear of making decisions and.

  What would happen then, right? The fear of taking full responsibility, full accountability for your actions, for your decisions, and for the outcome of those decisions and the heaviness and the pressure it felt of that, of really like if you were to screw up your life, it's like you did that yourself, but it's like, then you have to look at, well, why do you have this fear of being, seeing yourself that way?

  Seeing your decisions that way, seeing your all, all the things. So I think like just unraveling fears, just like revealed. It was like a pandos box where I was just like, oh my God. I did not realize how afraid of life I was. I digress. Things are way better now. I will say I'm definitely still hitting up against like some fears, but I think I'm really at that like tipping point where I'm just like, nah, actually I really, not that I don't care, but it's [00:53:00] like my desires are so much bigger than my fears and that's what I'm going to lead with.

  Being in a place where I really believe that putting in effort to fulfill my desires, to go after those things rather than mitigating my fears and putting an effort to kind of putting out those fires like that is a really powerful place to be. When you are in a place where you are hitting up against fear and what you actually want, knowing that fear and desire are two sides of the same coin, I really hope that you remember that your intention for your life supersedes that of anyone else's, and that when you move from a place of desire, that is you moving from a place of soul intuition of you listening to yourself.

  But when you move from a place of fear, that is you moving from a place of ego, which is always going to be affected by what other people think, other people's conditionings, your own past conditionings, your own expectations and pressures of yourself, your fears of not being good enough. [00:54:00] And so if you can do your best to move forward knowing that.

  You choose intentionally to move forward in the direction of your soul's path. You will never regret it, and you'll never regret it because you'll know that all the decisions that you've made and the outcome of those decisions doesn't matter what it looks like, but you'll know that the outcome of it is a direct result of you living in integrity with yourself.

  So with that being said, this is an invitation for you to go use your free will and a reminder that some people's free will is willier than others. And I have definitely seen this in myself. The difference is their level of, another level of fear, but their level of. Pushing past their fears of gamifying the situation such that they put themselves in situations where they will figure things out.

  And in a lot of ways, your connection with your free will, your strength of your free will, and the willingness of your free will really comes down [00:55:00] to you being able to trust yourself and to trust that again, not only are you just inherently good, good enough, neutral, whatever it is that you wanna believe, but.

  That your reason is good enough. I've realized too that a lot of what has held me back is feeling like I need to discover a good reason for, to, to do something. And it was really funny because when I came to Bali and I was telling people how I'm gonna go to Bali for two months, everyone was like, oh, why are you going?

  Why are you going? Why are you going? Why are you going? And honestly, there was multiple purposes for it. But one of the biggest one was because I just wanted to go. I felt this calling to go, uh, maybe a year or two ago, and instead I went to Europe because of X, Y, Z reasons. But. Bali was always kind of in the back of my mind and I put it on my Bingo card this year to do an international trip to go to Bali, and I was like, I want to hit that bingo.

  I want to cross that thing off and I want to [00:56:00] go. And while I've been here, the intention has been to get away from LA to focus on writing my book and to just be in a place where I am not stressed all the time about everything else around me living in a concrete jungle, how high the cost of living is in California in Los Angeles.

  It is insane, and it has been taking a serious toll on me. And I was like, I just love the fact that I can be here and like, yes, foreign privilege, us privilege, whatever, but like I can just exist here on such a smaller budget and I've really been enjoying that. But. I mean, those are my intentions and I'm realizing things like how I do genuinely want to move out of Los Angeles, and yet I'm just like, oh, well I have to have a good reason of like, where am I gonna move?

  Like, what am I gonna do there? Like, what is my job gonna be there? Or like, am I gonna, you know, where do I have to be in my business in order to feel like I can move there? Or do I need to go to grad school? Right? Like grad school would be a good reason to, to move. Or like people move because they get into relationships and it's like, that's a good [00:57:00] enough reason, but we're almost trying to prove to ourselves that we have a good enough reason to do something, um, or to not do something.

  And it's like, at the end of the day, you are that judgment. You are that judgment. And if you have a really, really high bar of needing so much evidence, or so much like, so many reasons, and using logic so heavily in order to do something, that's why your free will is not willy. That's really why, if you want your free will to be willier, you have to be willing to have your reasons for why you do something to just be because I want to and for your reasons to not do something.

  Be simply because you do not want to. Now, I'm not saying that you exert yourself every single time you have an urge for free will because that would maybe get kind of exhausting and expensive or just harmful and potentially really risky. But I'm just saying like, you know, maybe you don't have to have it all figured out and you can just remind yourself that you have free will every now and then.

  So the last piece [00:58:00] of this conversation that I want to bring up is really how independence is self-reliance in the context of community independence only exists because you have the privilege to exist independently from other people. One of the things that really opened my eyes here, being in Bali and talking to some of the people who have grown up in Indonesia who, uh, work in Bali and.

  Kind of understand the context of the culture a lot more, is that Yes, Bali is really, you know, the Bolonese people are really, really kind. And I have been abo for the last six weeks I've been here the entire time. Abo itself is really spiritual. It's incredibly safe. Like I can just be in a cafe and have my laptop out, have my phone out, have my AirPods out and go like to the bathroom.

  And I'm, I don't need to ask anybody to watch my stuff for me, like, I mean, I, I kind of actually already do that in LA in certain places. I'm just maybe too much of a trusting person, [00:59:00] but I also am situationally aware. Okay. And like, you know, you can be on your phone and out in just walking the streets.

  Looking like a Taurus, but no one's gonna come try to grab your phone. Um, you can like, and I saw this for myself the other day, where there is a literal like truck full of construction workers driving down the street and they're kind of like all standing in the back like, like all packed in kind of like how when you are going to like snowboard or something, like they might shuttle you from the parking lot to the mountain and like you're all just kind of standing out like with your board and stuff.

  Like in the back of the truck, they're all like packed in, right? And there's all these men in the who are construction workers, like just going down the street. And I was like, you know the absence of cat calling. I'm feeling that now, and I was like, this is amazing because in LA I can't even like just walk down the street or go to a dance class or something [01:00:00] without somebody like pulling like, you know, rolling down their window and saying something to me or, um, like, it's just like such a common experience where people shouldn't just be like gross and like nasty or disrespectful or actually like scary, you know, to you.

  Or like, you know, you walk down the street and you're like just, oh my God. Like you, you feel, you feel on edge. Um, and I think a lot of people feel that way. Not just women, but I think especially women. And here it's like, I have felt totally fine, whether it's at night or in the daytime or whatever, like I feel safe.

  And um, a lot of that is due to the culture here. A lot of that is due to how spiritual it is and the belief in like karma and all the stuff that is integrated. And also I think because community is so strong that if you were to do something people would know. And I was talking to my Airbnb host who, [01:01:00] um, was telling me how yes, like community is huge here.

  Everything is community based people, uh, you know, each village, you know. Within that village, like you, there is something that everybody has to do, I forget what it's called, but you basically go and attend to the poorest village and it's like community service. It's like you go volunteer, you go help out.

  And like everybody is required to do that. And there are so many ceremonies, especially here in abou because there is just like something all the time. And so you're putting in a lot of this time and effort into the ceremonies, into spirituality and these traditions and like these rituals and all this stuff.

  And everyone is expected to participate. I went to, um, a Kacha dance, uh, which is like a fire, like a traditional fire dance. And um, it was a village I think of 189 people or 189 families. And in those 189 families, each family is required to bring one person. And you know, they contribute to the [01:02:00] dance, whether that's their actual performers or they're helping with ticketing or setup or cleanup or whatever.

  But each person is, you know, expected to do that. And I think that level of like community care and community involvement really makes it so that you're accountable to yourself and like your impact of the community. But it also has its own trappings, right? And you could just imagine like, if you're kind of trapped in the community of like, these are your responsibilities, this is what you have to do, it's like you're not gonna have as much autonomy, you're not gonna have as much independence.

  You're not gonna feel as sovereign as somebody who maybe grows up in the US where it's like every man for himself, you're 18, get the fuck outta my house. And like, you know, be on your own now and like, grow up and pay taxes. Like, that's what it feels like. Yeah. Like it's, it's just so different. And then, you know, you in the US are going to be able to have.

  A lot of these other opportunities that people who are bound to community don't have. But you're gonna have the maybe loneliness that you know, or this competitiveness, this like [01:03:00] scarcity, this feeling that you can't trust people. The feeling that you're gonna be taken advantage of by people. Like, you know, you're gonna have all these other issues that pop up.

  So there is no utopia. Right. I will just say like, based off of wherever you are at, take a look at yourself. Reflect on what is it that you need? Do you need to practice more sovereignty, independence? Do you need to practice more community care and more, um, you know, community involvement because. Let me tell you, like one of the biggest things that always comes out of me traveling, uh, is how grateful I am to have community, to have people from back home who I'm able to do this because, you know, I have friends who are looking after Cleo, my cat.

  I ha I can do this because my business makes money, um, virtually and like I am able to conduct business still. Like virtually I'm able to do this because I live in the US and like make us dollars, um, have been able to save for this trip. I'm also [01:04:00] able to do this because my family has created a security net where I know like not only like financially is there, like some safety if I am able to, if I fail or like something goes terribly wrong.

  But that like also, like I know that I can always go to my sister's if I need to, right? Or I can call up my sister, I can call up my friends if I get lonely. I think one of the most significant things that comes out of solo traveling for me is seeing all the people that I meet and really having my faith and trust in humanity be not just restored.

  'cause I don't think it's ever. Been like gone in a, in a while, but having it be even stronger, right? I made my conviction that people are good, that most people are good, that people wanna help you. That you don't have to do it all on your own. That people are going to look out for you. There are people who are trustworthy and that inherently people wanna do good and people wanna do good by you, and people want you to do good by them.

  They just want your respect. You know? Like that is so [01:05:00] strong. I have in my time here, been able to meet people from around the world and connect with 'em, befriend 'em, go on trips with 'em, who I literally just met like the day before. Be invited to people's homes to cook together, who I only know because. Of, you know, the Airbnb that I'm staying at.

  And also I have been in the hospital twice now since I've been here in Bali, all within four weeks of the first four weeks of my trip. And you know, I was able to really conquer this fear of like, what if something bad happens? And it's like, oh, well I guess something kind of bad happened. But actually it was really funny because that's not how I felt about it at all.

  Like afterwards. Right. And like even during it, I was so aware that I am so grateful to have people who are kind humans be surrounding me. And the first time it was because I was already sick. Coming into Bali was like, I had a cough and it was just getting worse. And by the time I got here, I [01:06:00] also was getting a cold and I started throwing up.

  So I needed to go to the hospital and I got antibiotics, I got cough medicine. And it was like, okay, do I trust this medicine? Yeah, I do. Like I trust that this doctor is trying to do, um, good with me. Right? And it's like, okay, great. Then, um, the second time was a couple weeks ago. I was in the er and I was in the ER because I have fainted.

  Um, I had just moved Airbnbs. I like am staying in two different places during my two months here and I split it half and half, um, for two different intentions. The first kind of being more social, I wanted to meet other solo travelers. It was a women's only villa. It was really great and I got that fill.

  And then, um, the second half was more so to kind of lock into my writing and to kind of, um, just prepare myself more for. The last half of my trip to get back to the US and so this is the second half. Um, and when I got to this [01:07:00] Airbnb, literally on like the first day I connected with the host and she was great.

  Her name's Tari and I was telling her how I'm vegan and she had this like homemade cashew, oh, like soy milk thing that she had gotten from a all vegan, vegetarian, like restaurant cafe that was maybe 45 minutes out. And she was like, oh, like I'm planning on going either tomorrow or the next day. Like, are you available?

  Do you wanna come with me? I was like, yeah, sure. And uh, turns out that the next day I also got my period. And luckily for me, like my cycle is very regular, but it's also like really heavy the first day or two. And really, I only get bad symptoms on like the first day. And, and when I say bad, it's not even that bad.

  Like I just get some cramping and I'm more fatigued. You know, my body's like more sore. Uh, and that's pretty much it. Like really comparatively to some other people that I know. Like it's, it's not that bad. It's not saying that, you know, just because something is common, it's normal. But I'm just saying, like, for me, if the, [01:08:00] I, my pain of the cramps is like getting too bad.

  Like all I need is one ibuprofen and then I'm good for the day. And so the next day. We're supposed to head out in the morning and I'm like, sure enough. Like I started my cycle and I was cramping a little bit, a little fatigue, a little bit back pain, but I was like, I'm fine. This is all chill dealt this with, dealt with this before.

  So we go on this drive and the entire time there I'm just like, cramping harder and harder. I'm just like in so much pain. And so we get there, I go to the bathroom, she goes in and orders food. Um, when I, uh, get out of the bathroom and go to order food, I'm starting to feel like a little weird. I'm starting to feel like a little lightheaded and I start to feel like tingling in my fingers and I'm ordering my food and I'm like, my brain's not working.

  My vision's starting to go spotty. Like it's kind of like black, you know, spots coming around and I'm like, I just, I feel sick. I feel like nauseous, I feel like I need to throw up. My cramps are really bad and I'm like, okay, I need to like order this food and then run to the bathroom and I take out my phone to go [01:09:00] pay.

  And before I can even tap to pay, I faint. I like just hit the ground and I'm out cold, literally cold. Because Tara was telling me that my face was pale, my looks were pale, and I was sweating, like corn size beads of sweat outta my forehead. And when she touched me I was like, just cold and clammy. So.

  Really scary stuff. Um, now here's the thing. Me thinking in a foreign country where I do not know the language and tar wasn't even next to me. Like people thought I was alone. And like, it was scary. I was just like, I couldn't hear anything, couldn't feel anything, couldn't see anything. And by the time I was like kind of coming in and out there was like, I could see like there was maybe like a little bit of a crowd.

  I could see some feet. I knew that Tari was in front of me. It sounded like everything was underwater. But she was like, um, talking to other people for me. And they had brought me, like the workers had brought me like sweetened tea. Um, you know, she was asking me like, 'cause she knew that I was on my peers.

  She was like, okay, this might be that I end up, [01:10:00] um, by the time I start coming to a little bit more, I actually start throwing up. So she takes me to the er and all in all things were fine. My blood test came back fine. I came in with low blood pressure and the uh, um, the final thing was basically that I was dehydrated.

  I'm very bad at drinking water. I'm not surprised, and it's been very, very hot. But yes, I was dehydrated. And also because of my period, which I didn't know this, but it can cause low blood pressure. Um, that was something that I had Googled and find found out. And uh, actually there's some women who they will faint oftentimes and get dizzy on their cycles.

  And it is common. It's slightly common, but not normal. Okay. Not normal. But yeah, I've never had that happen to me in the past, and that was really scary. But I didn't have to navigate it alone. And the entire time, even though I was just like, man, is this how I go? Like, is this how I die? Do I just die in a foreign country?

  Oddly, I didn't feel like scared. And I think the [01:11:00] reason why I didn't feel scared, like it was scary to not know what was going on in my body, but. I think after the whole situation, like once I got to the hospital, I already felt better by the time I got to the hospital. And then they gave me like an iv. I was there for a couple hours.

  Tari helps me like translate, uh, what was going on. She was also there the entire time. So she was able to tell the nurse and the doctor what happened. She was able to help me with like my paperwork and whatever. Um, the whole visit, by the way, only costs like $63. That's amazing. But that being said, like I was just grateful to know that I had somebody there who I could trust and rely on who I literally met the day before.

  Okay. And. I think that's the thing. It's just like, and there's people who are, who was asking me like, or was asking her, it was like, maybe she has anxiety or like somebody offered like this medicinal oil, like the workers were concerned, you know. Um, when I threw up tar also like cleaned it up for me. It was just like, she's so [01:12:00] sweet.

  She was able to call, like to figure out like what was the nearby hospital, all this stuff. And I think the entire time I was just like, so, even though again, I did not feel good at all, and it was kind of scary to not know what was going on or what was happening or like why it was happening. But I had this trust that people, I could rely on them, these people.

  Are not gonna harm me. They're not gonna, when I'm down, try to rob me or something. Um, I had told somebody else that I have about this, that happened like after the fact, and they were like, someone put something in your drink. And I was like, no, I wasn't even drinking anything. But that was their first reaction.

  And I had like, just genuinely just not even thought about that as a possibility. And again, I think that people are good. Like most people are good by and large people are good. People are trustworthy. People wanna help. Um, and in the opportunity or in the event that somebody actually does need help, I think.[01:13:00]

  People are going to help. Yeah. I just wanted to share that story and how, um, yeah, in those moments you kind of are reminded that self-reliance does not look like being like this macho, I can do it all on my own. I don't need anybody or whatever. I can figure, I can, I can do it all on my own. You really understand that self-reliance is being able to rely on things like your ability to connect with others, your ability to be kind, to be optimistic, um, to be hopeful, to be courageous and.

  By you being able to rely on those things, like trust that you are going to be taken care of when you need it. Trust that you're going to be provided for trust, that you're going to be cared for, and trust that you are wanted, you are valuable, and you are good enough. Okay, friends, that is everything for this episode.

  I hope you enjoyed it, and if you did, I would really appreciate it if you left this podcast a five star review on whatever platform you're listening to it on, whether it's Spotify or um, apple Podcasts, or if you're listening to this on [01:14:00] YouTube, um, if you can just, you know, engage with the. Video somehow share with a friend who, who needs to hear, who thinks that they need to do it all themselves and be hyper independent and all this stuff.

  Like I have so many friends who I think have gone through that. So, and if you need anything, you can always DM me on Instagram. Leave a comment in the comment section down below. And as always, all the links to at my offerings and my services are going to be down in the description box below. So if you do want some additional support, if you want more guidance, then you can go ahead and go to those links.

  Book a session with me and I'm happy to talk to you. Otherwise, I hope that you have a wonderful rest of your day. And until I see you next time, stay well and listen to your soul whispers. Bye.